Schoffner

What do you do when you're feeling stuck?

That's the question posed over a week ago by a LinkedIn group member who recently left her post after 15 years in the non-profit arena. Before that she was a successful business owner. While she says her sense of humor is intact, she admits that she's turned "procrastination and lack of motivation into something of an art form." She asked for input on getting unstuck and I'm sharing a few of the comments her post received on the LinkedIn site of the National Association of Women Business Owners (NAWBO).

"Being stuck is a state of mind, and sadly, it reflects a focus on the self," writes Stefany Almaden, president/CEO of The Almaden Group, Inc. "The best cure for being stuck is to look around, enjoy what you have, and think about how you can make a difference in someone else's life. Instant joy and satisfaction follow." She says work on this every day and you'll pull yourself together. One day you'll even wonder why someone would think they could be "stuck in life."

Nannette Rundle Carroll, author of The Communication Problem Solver, also suggests doing something for someone else, particularly someone you think might be stuck or down. "It gets us out of ourselves and being productive and compassionate is a great cure for the blues or being stuck.

Nuggets for me: The only person who can get me unstuck is me; It's my mental state that needs attention. It's an ongoing daily practice to stay off the pity pot, and focusing on the needs of others helps to reframe my thinking and find a fresh perspective.

Judith Wentzel, owner of EFT Coaching & Consulting LLC, uses and teaches EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to remove blocks. Judy says to look at a goal or something that's important to you, find out what's sabotaging or holding you back from achieving it, and then get rid of it. It's the negative emotions (frustration, sadness, feelings of being alone, etc.) that perpetuate what's blocking us. "Once you identify the emotions undermining your success to move forward, you can begin resolving them."  

Sounds simple enough when the "stuck" things are little mental obstacles to overcome, but how about identifying and removing major emotional blocks? One may need ongoing coaching, years of therapy, or a whole lot more (including more non-traditional techniques [How about past life regression?]) to get to the root of the issues that lock you in serious "stuckness."

If I'm slightly stuck (for me that's writing copy that's not flowing the way I would like), I might close my eyes, put a smile on my face and spend 40 seconds taking a few deep breaths. Then I'll rub my hands together (I'm still smiling), face the computer screen and look for ways to change the problematic sections of copy. I may even get out of my chair and office, go consume a piece for fruit, and try to empty my mind by staring at the electric kettle while it warms water for my next cup of tea. Sometimes I'll do yoga stretches, stand up and swing my arms side-to-side to shake up my body and brain, or go outside for a quick walk that focuses on hearing the birds or looking for deer antlers in the woods (if it's the right time of year).

But when I'm deeply stuck I struggle. I might get together (face-to-face, on the phone and sometimes even email) with someone who'll listen and might point out what I'm missing. And sometimes "telling it" reveals what's needed next; the words come out of my own mouth or are typed by me. I recently was given the image of carrying around a backpack full of angst, fears, pains and frustrations. It was up to me: I could get rid of them once and for all, or I could continue to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I buried it. Then I smiled for days and days. Now, whenever I feel that weight again, I acknowledge it. Then I mentally deposit anything "new" that's giving me mental grief into that backpack. And finally, I picture my burying it again. I dig the whole a little deeper each time. One of these days it will decompose.

That's my answer to what I do when I'm really feeling stuck. Which brings me to another question: What are you carrying around in your backpack?

Leaders, embrace the mutineers

You read correctly. Some 70 percent of U.S. workers say they are not engaged or are actively disengaged at work. The #1 reason? The quality of leadership (Gallup Poll). "Listen 'til it hurts," says Steven B. Wiley of the Lincoln Leadership Institute at Gettysburg. Wiley shared lessons from Gettysburg this week in Des Moines at an appearance sponsored by Vistage. Thanks to the kind invitation of Norene Mostkoff, CEO of Hospice of Central Iowa, I had a great dose of both history and leadership.

To refresh your memory, the Battle of Gettysburg was the decisive, three-day turning-point of the Civil War between Union and Confederate forces in July of 1863. Gettysburg was the northernmost point reached by General Lee's armies, and at the site four months later, Lincoln presented his 267-word address ending with the words "...and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." 

Wiley focused on the leadership style of General Joshua Chamberlain, a Maine college professor who volunteered for service and became highly respected as a military leader for his defense of Little Round Top at Gettysburg. Chamberlain, who received the Medal of Honor, later served as governor of Maine and president of his alma mater, Bowdoin College. 

 Video clips from the 1993 movie Gettysburg showed Chamberlain (actor Jeff Daniels) using both transacational and tranformational leadership styles; he exercised his authority while still using relationship-building skills to inspire newly arrived prisoners (a disgruntled band of Maine mutineers) to rejoin the Union's cause and fight with the small band he commanded. He started by feeding their starving bodies and listening to their grievances. As they sat on a hill, he stood just below them so their eyes were level and first told them that while he had a right to kill them, he would not. He said, "We all have value here" and "we are fighting for each other." He shared a vision they could embrace, one with freedom for all. He asked them to join with his men and mentioned that if this battle was lost the war would likely be lost too. He created shared values, modeled courage and confidence, and best of all, he communicated clearly. He gave the men their weapons, and they joined him. Throughout the battle Chamberlain changed strategies as needs arose and enabled his troops to be successful. In the movie, one of the former mutineers saves Chamberlain's own brother from certain death at Gettysburg. 

"Leadership is about the mutineers in your life," said Wiley. "When you engage them you can change the course of history." Chamberlain's leadership skills proved that ordinary people can step up to find their high ground and protect their left flank. It was leadership without prejudicial or political baggage. That battle ended what Wiley called "the greatest amount of human suffering this country had ever seen." And it was a grand example of how one can be an effective leader in a rapidly changing, stressful and frightening environment with limited resources and information.

"You Get What You Settle For"

That is my favorite line from Thelma and Louise, the 1991 movie about Louise, an Arkansas fast food waitress (Susan Sarandon), and a housewife named Thelma (Geena Davis). They jump in Louise's 1966 Thunderbird convertible and hit the road for a little getaway. The women stop at a roadhouse before they reach their destination, and Louise shoots a man who threatens to rape Thelma. They end up hunted by sympathetic police, discover the strength of their friendship and freedom from boredom, and, with cops approaching, hold hands up in defiance as they drive off a cliff into a canyon. There's a lot more to it, but that's the essence of what people remember about the movie. Oh, plus Brad Pitt, the hitchhiker they pick up along the way; he's definitely memorable. The movie's tagline: "Somebody said get a life...so they did."

Well, while you're reading this I'm "getting a life" and taking a road trip from California to Florida in a Mustang convertible with my friend Julie Janss. Julie lived in Des Moines before moving to the LA area, owned the Enchanted Florist in Urbandale and later taught yoga. She wants her convertible in Florida, so instead of just meeting her in the Sunshine State as I usually do in January, we're catching up on life while absorbing the scenery of the southern U.S., a cross-country road trip I've never done before. No weapons, no hitchhikers, no going off cliffs. But there will be plenty of time for conversation and journeying from the main roads for some adventures. I doubt we'll have a Hollywood-worthy journey, but we'll settle for nothing short of a grand time to enjoy friendship.

 

May 2010 be a year in which you settle for nothing less than experiencing something grand that you've never done before! 

They'll never look at Barbie the same way...

 Allie Pohl's Ideal Woman Necklace is a real conversation starter. When viewed upside-down one might see a cat head, but when you ask Pohl what it is, she'll tell you it's a "Barbie doll crotch." And that's not the part of Barbie society tends to notice. The necklace is a silhouette from the waist to just above the knees, and it's been marketed for just a few months in fun fluorescent colors, plus a version with bling—Swarovski crystals.

Business owner Pohl writes that the necklace reflects her "belief that society is obsessed with the image of the perfect woman....My artistic objective is to critique trends that I find impractical or destructive to the female form. I strive to express the absurdities, conflicts and hypocrisies society presents about 'ideal' women." Each day she's worn one someone has made a comment, so she's set up a blog for necklace owners to share their experiences. 

The necklace is available in purple, turquoise, mirror, black, fluorescent pink, white and yellow on a 16-inch or 24-inch chain. The Ideal Woman is small (2 mm), medium (3 mm), large (5 mm) or extra large (7 mm). Prices range from $20 to $55. The Swarovski crystal one is a special order. 

New Pajamas, New Beginnings

 

There's nothing like a soft, cuddly comfort of new pajamas on a cold winter night. Especially if you're woman who has just arrived at a domestic violence shelter with just the clothes on your back. Not many people would connect starting a new life with getting to choose from a closet of warm pajamas, but it was obvious to Kelly Sargent, founder of Helen's Pajama Party and owner of Brainstorm Marketing in Des Moines. The non-profit is named after Kelly's mother, Helen, who passed away when Kelly was a child. In 2006 Kelly asked 50 friends and family members to buy new-with-tags pajamas for Des Moines-based shelters. Her effort resulted in 150 pairs which she proudly took to a shelter. She left seeing a greater need; she'd delivered only enough for a six-month supply for just one shelter. 

Nearly 3,000 women now seek shelter from domestic abuse each year in Iowa. So today Kelly works to provide each one with a new pair of PJs. Last year Kelly met that goal and expanded to include shelters in Nevada, Arkansas and New York.  She's relentless in her all-consuming efforts, using cash donations to shop for bargain tops to match donated bottoms and working with friends and groups like Rotary and the Central Iowa Chapter of the National Association of Women Business Owners to fill the need. What difference does one pair of pajamas make? 

Read these words from Sister Charla, the director of New Beginnings in Dubuque: "The first night a woman comes to stay with us, we invite her upstairs to what we call Pajama Dreamland to choose a pair of pajamas that best fit her. We explain that we aren't just talking about size. We are including her dreams and hopes. Today a newly arrived victim, with eyes sparkling for the first time since walking through our door, said that if it were just size it would be easy, but considering what we asked, she said, 'Suddenly I have so many possibilities. Pajamas with flowers: I can plant my own, and no one will stomp them dead. Pajamas with soft colors: I can dream and know my dreams have a chance. Pajamas with puppies: I've always wanted my own dog, and now I could have one. Pajamas with lace and bows: I'm a woman and maybe I can learn to be proud of that. Pajamas with clouds: I can go to sleep and not be afraid.'

Sister Charla continued: "With so many choices, I asked her if one pair would be enough, and she said, 'To have one sweet dream is more than anything I have ever known. One is enough.'"

Bet you didn't know a pair of PJs could evoke such thoughts about one's future. I look at pajamas in a whole new way now, and I purchased a leopard pair for my donation this year. I hope you'll consider helping Kelly's indefatigable effort to make life better, one pair of pajamas at a time. Most needed are small, medium and 2X at this time.

What's your bad business habit?

You may recall my writing (October 6) about one of my bad business habits: multitasking. To improve my focus, I turned off the distracting "ping" that alerts me that a new email has just arrived. It's been 42 days, and I still have it off. Yes, it's helped me avoid interruptions, and I'm showing small improvements in keeping myself on one project at a time.

I heard years ago that it took 12 days to create a new habit, and I thought that if something could be done in less than two weeks, maybe there was a chance for me to correct some behaviors I didn't care for in myself. Well, this morning I read a new time line: 30 to 60 days for a new habit. I prefer to think in baby steps, a day at a time, but I know I have a long way to go (well beyond 60 days) to break out of my years of multitasking madness.

That two-month timeframe came from Karen Leland's blog on Web Worker Daily: Teach an Old Dog New Tricks: How to Break Bad Work Habits. Her bad habit: impatience. (I can identify with that since I sometimes jump to another project if I'm not coming up with the creativity and flow that I'm looking for when I'm working. I always think I'll "clear my mind" and all will be well when I pick it up again and view the project with fresh eyes and a recharged brain.

Karen's simple formula for getting started is what I'm actually doing with multitasking:

Step 1 - Call out the bad habit and identify its negative consequences. When you spell out the crazy-making, frustration or lack of productivity caused by your bad habit, you feel pretty wimpy about continuing it. "Naming the habit" sounds like it should be easy, but creating a true awareness and verbalizing it may not be that simple. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to be honest about where there's "room for self-improvement." For some, we're looking at ourselves from a new perspective, and we may prefer to just ignore what we see.

Step 2 - Create alternative actions. We can't just think "I gotta change." We need to identify solid action steps to take toward that change...and then take them. That's building a new pathway in the brain that over time will become stronger than your known mode of operation. It's not too late to form new neural connections, folks; it just takes a while to rewire ourselves. And, as I well know, nothing will change if we don't want things to be different and choose to act.

Who is flying the plane?

I've been reading Malcom Gladwell's The Outliers: The Story of Success. It focuses on factors beyond intelligence and ambition in the lives of people whose achievements fall outside normal experiences. Gladwell makes a case for the impact of generation, family, culture, class—even the year you were born—on your human potential. 

The chapter I can't stop thinking about is "The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes." It details how crashes "are much more likely to be the result of an accumulation of minor difficulties and seemingly trivial malfunctions" than something like a rudder snapping off in midair. Yes, weather, minor technical problems, the stress of delayed flights and fuel-exhausting holding patterns, etc. can be contributors. But Gladwell says the typical accident involves seven consecutive human errors, one made on top of another that combine for catastrophe. 

In 52 percent of crashes, the pilot had been awake for 12 hours or more at the time of the crash, and in 44 percent of disasters the pilot and co-pilot hadn't flown together before. Then Gladwell provides a ton of fascinating supportive information (including conversations between pilots, co-pilots and air traffic controllers) and concludes: "Planes are safer when the least experienced (the co-pilot) is flying, because it means the second pilot (the captain) is NOT going to be afraid to speak up" to provide course corrections and other input. One person is supposed to be checking the other, and they're to be working cooperatively.

So crashes in commercial airlines have been far more likely to happen when the captain is IN the "flying seat," writes Gladwell. And when pilots and co-pilots come from a culture where respect for one's superior reigns strong, airline disasters had resulted because of the lack of clear and direct communication between the two and with air traffic controllers. A first officer can be more hesitant to "correct" his superior officer. But a captain who is not at the controls isn't concerned about being polite and using mitigating language to hint that a correction needs to happen. He "commands" and the first officer doing the flying listens and obeys. 

That got me thinking. It's not one thing that usually pushes us over the edge on any business day, but an accumulation of lots of little things. And so I ask myself:  Am I truly awake and watchful for "the accumulation of minor difficulties and seemingly trivial malfunctions" in my business, or am I oblivious?

I try to focus on "must do" priorities, the big stuff, the writing projects on my desk that take precedent because of their deadlines and importance. The "little" things along the way that I need to address get put aside for later action, sometime when I'm tired and I can be on autopilot. Well, autopilot can malfunction. Maybe we shouldn't sweat the small stuff, but don't miss dealing with it either. It can build into a disaster. 

Plus, as a sole proprietor, I'm asking, Can I be the pilot...and the copilot? Doubt it. So do I have the right checks and balances in place to keep my craft on course...or able to make course corrections as needed? After 30 years I'd hope so, but the map of the world and business keep changing.  But If you have experienced and trusted employees, do you let them play the co-pilot role and sometimes fly the plane? Like the pilots who are supposed to be working cooperatively, can they be honest and direct or do they have to watch their verbiage because of your authority or attitude? Gladwell is always good for the getting people to look at life a little differently.

"Do the next right thing"

I got a healthy does of optimism Monday night when I Ieft the computer for a while to watch the Michael J. Fox special, Adventures of an Incurable Optimist, on TLC. (I guess it aired in May on ABC.) The documentary featured snippets of interviews from Fox's worldwide search for insights on hope, happiness and optimism. "Ah, what a great day!" are the first words heard from Fox, the author of a new book, "Always Looking Up." Fox got his Parkinson's diagnosis 20 years ago and has spent the last decade building a new life, even though he "was happy with the old one." He says that the only thing he couldn't choose was whether or not to have Parkinson's; the rest was up to him. Ditto for Lance Armstrong regarding cancer's incredible impact on his biking success; he was a better athlete afterwards. Armstrong also credits his mother, who found herself pregnant with Lance at 17, for showing him how to never look at anything in a negative way. 

So, what else did Fox find in his journey? That hope doesn't live in a vacuum. Optimists connect in positive ways with others to spread their outlook and enjoyment of everything they do. Bad day? They say there's always tomorrow. They think creatively, live outside the box, take risks, and reject the bonds of fear. They thrive on connections to family, friends and community. Their joy instills hope in others.

Fox visited Bhuton in the Himalayas, where government includes a Gross National Happiness (GNH) Commission because joy is a part of their citizenship and constitution. Leaders value GNH, believing that their nation can consciously promote and sustain happiness. If people enjoy good, strong relationships with family and friends, they will build—and enjoy—a strong and optimistic nation. Incredibly, Fox found his Parkinson's symptoms diminishing while there, and that was very evident in the footage shown. 

At Wrigley Field, Fox met with die-hard Chicago Cubs fans about their 100-year World Series victory drought. Even that "community's" shared experience—an endless cycle of disappointment—has prepared them for life and the ability to accept failure. Plus, each season they share the energy of renewed hope. Like them, Fox doesn't get hung up on disappointments or missing the mark. He says, "Every moment short of a goal isn't a bad moment" when you're still striving. "Just do the next right thing." I loved that thought. Optimism is about hope, coming back, trying again, remaining grateful for the past, and knowing that tomorrow is yet another opportunity to do the next right thing.

Letting Go of the Story

What's the story you tell about yourself—to others as well as in your self-talk? Do you present yourself as blessed or as a victim? Are you truly happy or just going through the motions of getting through another day because you "have" no other choices?

Chances are you're giving the wrong thoughts power they don't deserve. Elizabeth Grant, The Quantum Coach, says that the stories that hold us back are the ones we tend to repeat, either as we talk to ourselves or as we talk to others. So if you're giving your energy to beating yourself up, or commiserating with your peers over fewer and slower-paying clients, scaled-back plans for this year's vacation, or dwelling on what went wrong (whether it was just yesterday or when you were in fifth grade), you're putting it out to the universe and asking for more of the same (God forbid I relive the guilt of that fifth grade chalk fight!). 

If you see yourself as a person who has endless reasons and excuses for attracting misery, you're saying, "This is the way I am, bring it on." Your verbal declaration affirms it, says you're attached to it, and asks for more miserable energy to come your way. Time to get over it and write a few new stories? 

Since hearing Elizabeth speak in April at a meeting of NAWBO-CI, I've been listening each morning to her short "Quantum Power Sessions." I slip (a lot, I admit) from the empowered/confident/self-accepting place she introduces in her session and the intention I set for myself regarding my thinking throughout the day; old stories are quite well rehearsed, you know. Heck, we've based our lives on them, whether they help us or hurt us. identifying and getting rid of the stories that no longer serve us takes deliberate attention and energy. Elizabeth provides daily "thought corrections" when our minds can't keep us on track, living life as our highest selves. If you'd like a free two-week trial of Elizabeth's sessions, jump in now. We're working on our stories this week, and I love a good story. 

Choosing Happiness in a Down Economy

Yesterday morning I hosted a coffee for women business owners at Cafe Diem in Ankeny, IA. Fifteen females shared tips and techniques that we use each day to stay confident, remain unflappable, feel heartfelt gratitude and choose happiness. We get physical with yoga, as well as regular and irregular workouts. When time for exercise is limited, we walk quickly around the yard to check out spring growth or "mindlessly" vacuum when a task change and feeling of accomplishment are needed. We say affirmations, envision positive outcomes, meditate and linger on thoughts of gratitude. We feel the calming presence of friends/family who have passed and the joy of being a powerful example for our kids. One woman keeps a small digital photo frame on her desk, so pictures of people and experiences she loves are always just a glance away. We choose to be around positive people, and we keep smiling (even when negative folks corner us). Aligning ourselves with who we truly are brings peace, and we embrace our faith. 

Most simply trust, believing that tough times happen for a reason, even when the "why?" isn't clear. Knowing we'll be stronger, smarter and better for weathering any storm is a given. We continually pay attention to our self talk and change course when needed. Thinking from a mindset of abundance works for us. We make a conscious choice to not worry and obsess, and we act by stepping away from our fears and chaos. After one hour surrounded by positive thoughts and passionate women, I had the most amazing, productive and truly smooth work day that I can remember in 2009. I'm still smiling more than 24 hours later. Thanks, ladies! 

Incidentally, the a.m. coffees (and afternoon "happy" coffees) are activities of the National Association of Women Business Owners - Central Iowa Chapter. They're free (just buy your own beverages) and no registration is required. For upcoming events, check out www.nawbo-ci.org.