Schoffner

I'm a Hosta

I've long assumed that I was drawn to these shade-loving, easy-to-care-for herbaceous perennials because our yard is filled with trees. And some variety of hardy hosta will grow wherever grass won't. But today I'm thinking hostas and I have a deeper connection.

Last Monday I had a 30-minute session with Madhu Maron, who helps people get unstuck. Our introduction came via email a couple of years ago when a mutual friend suggested that Madhu, who coaches people in reinventing themselves, check out the Schoffner blog. We've corresponded about business ownership, I helped with a bio for her professional musician husband, and we've been following each other on Facebook. A recent email exchange on a day when I was over-the-top crazed with commitments left Madhu picturing me as a high-energy Tasmania Devil in full-throttle behavior. She simply wrote, "Let's set up a time to talk, and you can't be sitting at your desk when we do."

We connected a week ago as I sat in front of our house beside a flower bed that gets enough sunlight to contain both hostas and other colorful, flowering plants. Madhu asked me about my surroundings, so we talked about the hosta beside me. Before I knew it, her gently probing questions helped me focus on a lot of things about my multi-tasking self. Primarily, I've been forgetting to bring my heart along in all the things I tackle each day. I've been blessed with loving so many things about my life (family, friends, clients, writing tasks, volunteer interests, leadership commitments, etc.). The abundance each provides daily needs to be celebrated and savored. But that doesn't happen when one forgets to pause in the present to be thankful.

After that session with Madhu, the week was indeed one in which I stayed in the moment and worked to put self-care and appreciation into everything I did. Whether during the activities of the day or in the middle of the night, when I felt angst I pictured the heart-shaped leaf of that hosta and calmly massaged my hands (hey, that's self care) as a thank you for all the typing, gardening and other tasks I ask of them each day.

Madhu doesn't see many hostas in the Bronx. I sent her the photo above and she saw a whole lot more than I'd been seeing. She wrote: "I notice how dynamic this plant is. It's low to the ground yet reaches up high. The display of green in its leaves is grounding and of the Earth, while the flowers are airy, light and of the sky. Hostas seem to be good multi-taskers, provided they get the shade they need. Sounds like a great metaphor for you, Pam."

It's not just the heat that's making me step into the shade right now. Thanks, Madhu. 

 

A Rally Message: Eat, Pray, Vote

On Saturday I was part of the overflowing crowd of 215,000 who traveled to the National Mall for Jon Stewart's Rally to Restore Sanity (along with Stephen Colbert's Rally to Restore Fear). It shut down streets, overloaded the transit system and eliminated cellphone calling for blocks. Not that I was trying to tweet or contribute to Facebook. I was too caught up in the moment while being pressed into thousands of other happy people who were just glad to be there to laugh (takes much less effort than hating), soak up the signs and attention-getting costumes, and use my presence to make a statement: civility matters!

Here are just a few of the many memorable signs: Think Outside the Fox; Tea Parties are for Little Girls and Mad Hatters; If You Don't Believe in Government Perhaps You Shouldn't Run for it; New Conservative Ideas: (followed by a large empty space); I Don't Like It When You Yell at Me Like That; Team Fear; and We Have Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself...and Maybe Sarah Palin.  

But the sign I want to share most is shown below. Hope you're proud to be doing the same on Tuesday.

 

Paycheck vs. Unemployment Check?

Imagine that you're an employer interviewing for positions requiring educated, experienced workers. New hires have a 90-day probation period. Get this: four skilled, unemployed candidates turn down your job offer. They don't want to lose their unemployment checks that will cover them until at least March.

Business owner Evelyn Reis Perry, Carolina Sound, shared this situation and expressed her frustration on August 6 in a post on the blog site of the Institute for Economic Empowerment for Women. "So we have in place, in DC, a counter motivator for getting the workforce back to work!  How can we fight entitlements that leave us without employees?" 

"I don't understand the attraction to dependency," commented Kay Carrico, owner of In-Compasse International, Inc. in New Mexico. Kay says she's heard the same hiring-dilemma story from business owners and straight from the mouths of would-be employees, too.

It made me wonder about all the things that can happen over time to people who lose their jobs. Do they lose confidence in their own abilities (so much so that they don't think they can show their potential and prove their value in 90 days)? What causes them to "take a pass" on a job that fits their skill set? When they say "no" to an employer that has confidence in them have they also said "no" to themselves? 

I don't know the stories of the four who turned down jobs with Carolina Sound. I have no idea what each believes he or she needs to break the cycle of unemployment.  All I know is that I have a strong need to feel like a contributor on the planet. Maybe it's my irrepressible Iowa work ethic. But if I'm healthy and able to work, I'd rather have the opportunity to stock shelves in the dead of night or work three jobs to keep a roof over my head than to wait at home for my next check from Uncle Sam. If I didn't TRY to get my life back on track, embrace an opportunity, and say goodbye—and thank you—to government dollars that held things together when I was my most desperate, well, I would have trouble looking at my own face in the mirror every morning.

Dalai Lama: "Internal Disarmament"

It's been nearly three weeks since I heard the Dalai Lama speak at the University of Northern Iowa, along with 10,000 other people. Much has been written about his words of love, harmony, peace and education of the heart to embrace the value in all human beings. But what's happened since? What's resonating and changing the diverse audience of people who laughed, cried and absorbed all they could from their encounter with the spiritual leader who exudes happiness and reverence for others without even saying a word? His joyous face and demeanor said volumes about how to live.

Well, I'm still taking votes among my friends regarding a statement he made about valuing human life while recognizing that the earth is overpopulated. Capturing every word His Holiness said was everyone's goal, but sometimes we questioned our hearing. I thought I heard: "Resettlement in the womb is not possible." But others heard this: "Resettlement on the moon is not possible."  I've been questioning folks who were there ever since and the "moon" phrase is winning as his statement that day. Heck, there's no reentry to the womb and we never have settled on the moon.

But here are the two words that are at the forefront of my brain from that day: "internal disarmament." That's where it starts. I've been looking at the "weapons" that I carry around, primarily to flog myself for not being perfect, not accomplishing everything I think I should, and even not being as "peaceful" as I could be each day. Too much rushing and doing; not enough being and celebrating our blessings. 

I'm finding that my own mental disarmament is a full time deployment. I might need to call in the National Guard to help me abolish (or at least reduce) thoughts and behaviors that don't serve me well. But I do believe I'm doing better at creating an internal zone of peace each day. Or maybe it's just thinking about the face of the Dalai Lama and the total comfort he illustrated in being himself and sharing his reverence for mankind. 

What do you do when you're feeling stuck?

That's the question posed over a week ago by a LinkedIn group member who recently left her post after 15 years in the non-profit arena. Before that she was a successful business owner. While she says her sense of humor is intact, she admits that she's turned "procrastination and lack of motivation into something of an art form." She asked for input on getting unstuck and I'm sharing a few of the comments her post received on the LinkedIn site of the National Association of Women Business Owners (NAWBO).

"Being stuck is a state of mind, and sadly, it reflects a focus on the self," writes Stefany Almaden, president/CEO of The Almaden Group, Inc. "The best cure for being stuck is to look around, enjoy what you have, and think about how you can make a difference in someone else's life. Instant joy and satisfaction follow." She says work on this every day and you'll pull yourself together. One day you'll even wonder why someone would think they could be "stuck in life."

Nannette Rundle Carroll, author of The Communication Problem Solver, also suggests doing something for someone else, particularly someone you think might be stuck or down. "It gets us out of ourselves and being productive and compassionate is a great cure for the blues or being stuck.

Nuggets for me: The only person who can get me unstuck is me; It's my mental state that needs attention. It's an ongoing daily practice to stay off the pity pot, and focusing on the needs of others helps to reframe my thinking and find a fresh perspective.

Judith Wentzel, owner of EFT Coaching & Consulting LLC, uses and teaches EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) to remove blocks. Judy says to look at a goal or something that's important to you, find out what's sabotaging or holding you back from achieving it, and then get rid of it. It's the negative emotions (frustration, sadness, feelings of being alone, etc.) that perpetuate what's blocking us. "Once you identify the emotions undermining your success to move forward, you can begin resolving them."  

Sounds simple enough when the "stuck" things are little mental obstacles to overcome, but how about identifying and removing major emotional blocks? One may need ongoing coaching, years of therapy, or a whole lot more (including more non-traditional techniques [How about past life regression?]) to get to the root of the issues that lock you in serious "stuckness."

If I'm slightly stuck (for me that's writing copy that's not flowing the way I would like), I might close my eyes, put a smile on my face and spend 40 seconds taking a few deep breaths. Then I'll rub my hands together (I'm still smiling), face the computer screen and look for ways to change the problematic sections of copy. I may even get out of my chair and office, go consume a piece for fruit, and try to empty my mind by staring at the electric kettle while it warms water for my next cup of tea. Sometimes I'll do yoga stretches, stand up and swing my arms side-to-side to shake up my body and brain, or go outside for a quick walk that focuses on hearing the birds or looking for deer antlers in the woods (if it's the right time of year).

But when I'm deeply stuck I struggle. I might get together (face-to-face, on the phone and sometimes even email) with someone who'll listen and might point out what I'm missing. And sometimes "telling it" reveals what's needed next; the words come out of my own mouth or are typed by me. I recently was given the image of carrying around a backpack full of angst, fears, pains and frustrations. It was up to me: I could get rid of them once and for all, or I could continue to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders. I buried it. Then I smiled for days and days. Now, whenever I feel that weight again, I acknowledge it. Then I mentally deposit anything "new" that's giving me mental grief into that backpack. And finally, I picture my burying it again. I dig the hole a little deeper each time. One of these days it will decompose.

That's my answer to what I do when I'm really feeling stuck. Which brings me to another question: What are you carrying around in your backpack?

Leaders, embrace the mutineers

You read correctly. Some 70 percent of U.S. workers say they are not engaged or are actively disengaged at work. The #1 reason? The quality of leadership (Gallup Poll). "Listen 'til it hurts," says Steven B. Wiley of the Lincoln Leadership Institute at Gettysburg. Wiley shared lessons from Gettysburg this week in Des Moines at an appearance sponsored by Vistage. Thanks to the kind invitation of Norene Mostkoff, CEO of Hospice of Central Iowa, I had a great dose of both history and leadership.

To refresh your memory, the Battle of Gettysburg was the decisive, three-day turning-point of the Civil War between Union and Confederate forces in July of 1863. Gettysburg was the northernmost point reached by General Lee's armies, and at the site four months later, Lincoln presented his 267-word address ending with the words "...and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." 

Wiley focused on the leadership style of General Joshua Chamberlain, a Maine college professor who volunteered for service and became highly respected as a military leader for his defense of Little Round Top at Gettysburg. Chamberlain, who received the Medal of Honor, later served as governor of Maine and president of his alma mater, Bowdoin College. 

 Video clips from the 1993 movie Gettysburg showed Chamberlain (actor Jeff Daniels) using both transacational and tranformational leadership styles; he exercised his authority while still using relationship-building skills to inspire newly arrived prisoners (a disgruntled band of Maine mutineers) to rejoin the Union's cause and fight with the small band he commanded. He started by feeding their starving bodies and listening to their grievances. As they sat on a hill, he stood just below them so their eyes were level and first told them that while he had a right to kill them, he would not. He said, "We all have value here" and "we are fighting for each other." He shared a vision they could embrace, one with freedom for all. He asked them to join with his men and mentioned that if this battle was lost the war would likely be lost too. He created shared values, modeled courage and confidence, and best of all, he communicated clearly. He gave the men their weapons, and they joined him. Throughout the battle Chamberlain changed strategies as needs arose and enabled his troops to be successful. In the movie, one of the former mutineers saves Chamberlain's own brother from certain death at Gettysburg. 

"Leadership is about the mutineers in your life," said Wiley. "When you engage them you can change the course of history." Chamberlain's leadership skills proved that ordinary people can step up to find their high ground and protect their left flank. It was leadership without prejudicial or political baggage. That battle ended what Wiley called "the greatest amount of human suffering this country had ever seen." And it was a grand example of how one can be an effective leader in a rapidly changing, stressful and frightening environment with limited resources and information.

"You Get What You Settle For"

That is my favorite line from Thelma and Louise, the 1991 movie about Louise, an Arkansas fast food waitress (Susan Sarandon), and a housewife named Thelma (Geena Davis). They jump in Louise's 1966 Thunderbird convertible and hit the road for a little getaway. The women stop at a roadhouse before they reach their destination, and Louise shoots a man who threatens to rape Thelma. They end up hunted by sympathetic police, discover the strength of their friendship and freedom from boredom, and, with cops approaching, hold hands up in defiance as they drive off a cliff into a canyon. There's a lot more to it, but that's the essence of what people remember about the movie. Oh, plus Brad Pitt, the hitchhiker they pick up along the way; he's definitely memorable. The movie's tagline: "Somebody said get a life...so they did."

Well, while you're reading this I'm "getting a life" and taking a road trip from California to Florida in a Mustang convertible with my friend Julie Janss. Julie lived in Des Moines before moving to the LA area, owned the Enchanted Florist in Urbandale and later taught yoga. She wants her convertible in Florida, so instead of just meeting her in the Sunshine State as I usually do in January, we're catching up on life while absorbing the scenery of the southern U.S., a cross-country road trip I've never done before. No weapons, no hitchhikers, no going off cliffs. But there will be plenty of time for conversation and journeying from the main roads for some adventures. I doubt we'll have a Hollywood-worthy journey, but we'll settle for nothing short of a grand time to enjoy friendship.

 

May 2010 be a year in which you settle for nothing less than experiencing something grand that you've never done before! 

They'll never look at Barbie the same way...

 Allie Pohl's Ideal Woman Necklace is a real conversation starter. When viewed upside-down one might see a cat head, but when you ask Pohl what it is, she'll tell you it's a "Barbie doll crotch." And that's not the part of Barbie society tends to notice. The necklace is a silhouette from the waist to just above the knees, and it's been marketed for just a few months in fun fluorescent colors, plus a version with bling—Swarovski crystals.

Business owner Pohl writes that the necklace reflects her "belief that society is obsessed with the image of the perfect woman....My artistic objective is to critique trends that I find impractical or destructive to the female form. I strive to express the absurdities, conflicts and hypocrisies society presents about 'ideal' women." Each day she's worn one someone has made a comment, so she's set up a blog for necklace owners to share their experiences. 

The necklace is available in purple, turquoise, mirror, black, fluorescent pink, white and yellow on a 16-inch or 24-inch chain. The Ideal Woman is small (2 mm), medium (3 mm), large (5 mm) or extra large (7 mm). Prices range from $20 to $55. The Swarovski crystal one is a special order. 

New Pajamas, New Beginnings

 

There's nothing like a soft, cuddly comfort of new pajamas on a cold winter night. Especially if you're woman who has just arrived at a domestic violence shelter with just the clothes on your back. Not many people would connect starting a new life with getting to choose from a closet of warm pajamas, but it was obvious to Kelly Sargent, founder of Helen's Pajama Party and owner of Brainstorm Marketing in Des Moines. The non-profit is named after Kelly's mother, Helen, who passed away when Kelly was a child. In 2006 Kelly asked 50 friends and family members to buy new-with-tags pajamas for Des Moines-based shelters. Her effort resulted in 150 pairs which she proudly took to a shelter. She left seeing a greater need; she'd delivered only enough for a six-month supply for just one shelter. 

Nearly 3,000 women now seek shelter from domestic abuse each year in Iowa. So today Kelly works to provide each one with a new pair of PJs. Last year Kelly met that goal and expanded to include shelters in Nevada, Arkansas and New York.  She's relentless in her all-consuming efforts, using cash donations to shop for bargain tops to match donated bottoms and working with friends and groups like Rotary and the Central Iowa Chapter of the National Association of Women Business Owners to fill the need. What difference does one pair of pajamas make? 

Read these words from Sister Charla, the director of New Beginnings in Dubuque: "The first night a woman comes to stay with us, we invite her upstairs to what we call Pajama Dreamland to choose a pair of pajamas that best fit her. We explain that we aren't just talking about size. We are including her dreams and hopes. Today a newly arrived victim, with eyes sparkling for the first time since walking through our door, said that if it were just size it would be easy, but considering what we asked, she said, 'Suddenly I have so many possibilities. Pajamas with flowers: I can plant my own, and no one will stomp them dead. Pajamas with soft colors: I can dream and know my dreams have a chance. Pajamas with puppies: I've always wanted my own dog, and now I could have one. Pajamas with lace and bows: I'm a woman and maybe I can learn to be proud of that. Pajamas with clouds: I can go to sleep and not be afraid.'

Sister Charla continued: "With so many choices, I asked her if one pair would be enough, and she said, 'To have one sweet dream is more than anything I have ever known. One is enough.'"

Bet you didn't know a pair of PJs could evoke such thoughts about one's future. I look at pajamas in a whole new way now, and I purchased a leopard pair for my donation this year. I hope you'll consider helping Kelly's indefatigable effort to make life better, one pair of pajamas at a time. Most needed are small, medium and 2X at this time.

What's your bad business habit?

You may recall my writing (October 6) about one of my bad business habits: multitasking. To improve my focus, I turned off the distracting "ping" that alerts me that a new email has just arrived. It's been 42 days, and I still have it off. Yes, it's helped me avoid interruptions, and I'm showing small improvements in keeping myself on one project at a time.

I heard years ago that it took 12 days to create a new habit, and I thought that if something could be done in less than two weeks, maybe there was a chance for me to correct some behaviors I didn't care for in myself. Well, this morning I read a new time line: 30 to 60 days for a new habit. I prefer to think in baby steps, a day at a time, but I know I have a long way to go (well beyond 60 days) to break out of my years of multitasking madness.

That two-month timeframe came from Karen Leland's blog on Web Worker Daily: Teach an Old Dog New Tricks: How to Break Bad Work Habits. Her bad habit: impatience. (I can identify with that since I sometimes jump to another project if I'm not coming up with the creativity and flow that I'm looking for when I'm working. I always think I'll "clear my mind" and all will be well when I pick it up again and view the project with fresh eyes and a recharged brain.

Karen's simple formula for getting started is what I'm actually doing with multitasking:

Step 1 - Call out the bad habit and identify its negative consequences. When you spell out the crazy-making, frustration or lack of productivity caused by your bad habit, you feel pretty wimpy about continuing it. "Naming the habit" sounds like it should be easy, but creating a true awareness and verbalizing it may not be that simple. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable to be honest about where there's "room for self-improvement." For some, we're looking at ourselves from a new perspective, and we may prefer to just ignore what we see.

Step 2 - Create alternative actions. We can't just think "I gotta change." We need to identify solid action steps to take toward that change...and then take them. That's building a new pathway in the brain that over time will become stronger than your known mode of operation. It's not too late to form new neural connections, folks; it just takes a while to rewire ourselves. And, as I well know, nothing will change if we don't want things to be different and choose to act.